the glass shield
is tougher than real glass. Because there is reality and there is what we want to make of it… right?
it doesn’t shatter the same way, it bends where we touch it - it’s a shield after all, designed to protect us with access to the external world through vision.
isn’t it nice? To be in yourself? Fully? Sometimes it escapes me - the realness of the me. Alas, when not escaped, it feels soothing…
as if everything is right where it should be - every single teeny tiny thing. It makes sense. Like the last piece of the puzzle that fits in like a rubber glove and gives you pleasure to press on to the rest of the scene.
all days should be like this - welcoming. Opening their arms to receive us and fully allow us to live, experience, dream and exist.
the dread is never too far away, confusion in our minds is still a guarantee of sorts… but let us be welcoming of the freedom when dread is not in us completely. Let us be in seizing moment after moment of standing still in time and space, a linear regularity that we can only truly feel and never be objective about.
time and space… space and time. It’s still confusing to my mind how we, as humans, have conceived something we call the “internet”. How come something where we get together can create so much loneliness? How do I conceive of other humans instead of magical happenings that create words and dialogues? Who is there? Are YOU there?
I know I am here, and (today) I know I am real. Very real. But are YOU? Real? I wish I could feel it in my bones, your realness. Your tenderness, your ways of living life, your ways of speaking. I miss them.
my mind cannot conceive of you in a 3D form, a physical shape that can be touched and perceived through my senses. It’s a hazy memory of a presence, a ghostly figure that sometimes appears in dreams - those feel more real than what I can perceive from the distance of our bodies, the many miles, the hours, time and space.
are YOU real? What have you done to make sure of it today?
be real. Please be real. Hold me and tell me I am real, that you are real, that we are both real. That the “internet” can allow us to share words which are not magical happenings or figments of imagination from an entity designed to make humans believe they’re less alone…
i am lonely. I am. I’m also real. For now, at least. I wasn’t yesterday. But that was yesterday - before another set of dreams, another set of routines that have restoration of the body as the main goal.
it’s a restart. Every single day is a restart. Not without nightmares and weird, scary mind monsters that come to say hi during the reset phase of every 24 hours.
but still.. it’s the best we have. We are only human after all. ONLY human. Not to be reductive - humanness is astoundingly beautiful and big. Too big for me to grasp it fully.
we are… we just are.
so I have my glass shield and I interact here and there, when I can, knowing my shield will make my humanness less susceptible to pain or hurt… or so I like to believe.
(please let me believe - shhhhhhush)
