it’s been 5×4 years now… of
surrendering to 35C sun lying on sidewalks during moments of despair when there’s no more water
silver spray painted tennis shoes with an accidental line of blue
a 120mm film camera hanging from the neck and a 35mm in the backpack
sequin tops, tulle skirts, half-shaved hair
the smell of freshly cut grass burning in the sun
café-bar on the highest point of the city making it late for the coliseum events
summer nights with dares and dances under the water drops from the sprinklers
art exhibitions with pauses for coffee and watermelon ice cream
thrown in the pool after getting dressed for dinner (prank)
work until late at night after live music to get the articles published in the morning
weirdly funny interviews with unforgettable dialogues and uncalled for opinions on the make-up
reports and reviews that could never convey what one felt during *that* song…
conversations from airplane cockpits heard with a cool gadget,
Boeing airplane models and characteristics by heart (can’t remember anything now)
set TV to porn channel at max volume to wake someone up (prank)
a sandwich with scrambled eggs, cheese, slices of cucumber and loads of garlic sauce
caipiroskas and gin at the beach
lucky wins at the casino
the unique smell, almost a taste and nearing a physical feeling, of the joy in the city
portrait doodles in the metro and bus hoping no one sees it
every single moment of those summers felt like this song…
i didn’t design anything to easily identify past posts content so this link might’ve been posted already – i’ll try to do better one day. maybe. not sure. ok, probably not..
what about a good inmi? ahhh, yes.
(does anyone know if the abbreviation inmi is meant to sound like “in me” purposefully? that would make it such a brilliant meta joke)
it can sound very annoying some days, in others it sounds wonderful
a bit like you and me.
all the cliché words that sound like silence will one day make a difference.
a predisposition for chaos & desire and order & silence is close to impossible. Where all dichotomies go to die and revived, to the horror of all conscious efforts to maintain a certain (if fake) stability…
a single wavelength crashes over your head – you’re now spinning, jumping and bouncing on the real-self, the opportunity hadn’t presented itself yet, and it really didn’t matter as much as it does now, right?
… but it had mattered before… I’m thinking while writing, don’t know another way. I never know what will pop in here (point to head).
it had. I shut it off, or it vanished in its irrelevance or natural expiry. “All or nothing kinds of thoughts, this is no good…” I kept learning.
obviously, one distances themselves from those lines of thought – they seem depraved, senseless, inhumane and disconnected. I can agree to that. I would’ve agreed at any point.
but / yet …..
it just brings it down to a manageable level and never truly erases it. As it lowers and you think you’re in control… when you truly (debatable term) don’t care anymore… bang!
lift-off sequence commences with no signal or sound, no words or effects.
awareness comes only with the affect, not the effect. That is when everything falls down on you, covering from top to bottom, from the inner to the outer, around your ears covering the sound, over the eyes covering the light, with a clear echo of truths you denied yourself for too long.
… when it does, you’re powerless… the surrender comes surreptitiously until you consciously notice its affect and then? It’s always “too late” – you try to convince yourself of it.
except you know, in your heart of hearts, it’s really not… at all! And you finally see the path opening up and you’re scared, you’re confused and you want to run but there’s no stepping back and your legs move you forward, with a slight help from the wind pushing you, and the sun you try to follow as to never have to finish any day again!
will I still believe in my untruths? My [failed, forced] becomings? Ever?!
all the surrounding waves are a timeline and dissolve & uncover the truth you didn’t know existed, always in a nearer future, always as a surprise, always at the realm of… chaos!!
… if it finishes where it starts, therefore it’s not a one way path, it’s a cycle…
i sigh – I can tidy up this thought for now, with all the unwanted commotion it brings.
/// I come from chaos, I diffuse it, I surrender to it again… /// I should know better – you can’t fight the only true laws, the ones in existence since the universe as we know it… started…
it’s curiosity, tender care, surprise and a deep interest in knowing. Knowing more, knowing better – and then, to throw all of it away
it really doesn’t matter when you just… feel.