for what now seems a short while, I had the chance to feel truly happy, honest, carefree and relaxed.
once every couple of weeks all the masks flew off of me – the posture, the bullshitting, the one-step-back stance.
it was great. It truly was!
the problem with being very happy for a short while every couple of weeks is that, after it all ends, I don’t feel very happy at all – just… regular happy.
forget the honesty, feelings of relaxation and inner peace. Those were once to be felt but not forgotten.
now everything sums up as a storm surrounding me – the constant menace of the black hole.
i realised I have to feel this weird nostalgia of those weeks forever. Feeling ok for the most part, but with copious amounts of grief, sadness, anger and misunderstanding.
because those hours that I got every couple of weeks are a faint memory of what it was to be at peace, in a quasi-sublime existence.
forever grabbing that “one in a million” feeling and running with it – nothing else matters really.