i’ll stop beat myself up.
there is the mute button – along with many other buttons that will create their own chain reaction. I will press all of those – at the same time.
for today was not unlike the day before nor will it be any different from tomorrow.
open the eyes. Shut them down – I always forget to close the curtains, it’s always too bright. I keep them semi-closed then, while I glance at the alarm clock – a perfect square of pixelated digital madness that’s in the “I don’t mind having” list of devices or the “doesn’t really stress me out”. I don’t get up, I get myself up. Biological automation – a piece of fruit, coffee and tablets.
i sip the coffee slowly as I look through the translucent pink fabric that keeps me safe from the outside. If it’s sunny I know I’ll get to work later in the day, brightness is for self protection. If it’s dull and gloomy I’ll indulge myself in taking 2 or 3 coffees. They are my breakfast and lunch. I’ll prolong the pleasure adjusting the levels of sweetness, caffeine and temperature. It gets too cold, I’ll warm it up. Take a sip – too watery? Add more coffee. Maybe just a tad more sweeteners. Warm it up again – it’s cold now, it happens fast.
it is a process. The due diligence has to be performed as a ritual, as sacred as law.
my eyes keep semi-closed. I quickly skim through one of the planners – tasks, tasks, duties, procrastination moments. I choose the latter. After all, it’s both gloomy and sunny, intermittently – a bit too much for my brain to handle.
i’ve checked the outside. The trees are still waving around to the constant wind. The same old abandoned car is in the same place as it was 5 years ago. I hear some traffic. The world is fine. The fine pink tone of the translucent curtains are enough to brighten the clouds and to scare the sunrays away.
all is good.
did I mention 4 hours have passed since I first made my coffee? If I can call it that. By now it has been more of an experience in flavour than a pure drink. I forgot I should eat. Hunger never strikes unless the tablets work their magic on my sleep… I completely forgot what and if I’ve eaten at all.
all is still good.
task – done. task – done.
now for some peace of mind… I’ll just move this frame over to the left side of the shelf. Of course that’ll imply moving the silver box over to the right… and it does not look good. I sit on the floor and with a single swipe of my arm get everything on the floor. “Right, while I wait for the sunset might as well procrastinise [sic]”. Procrastination by organising. Organising as an excuse for procrastinating. Both are fine.
all is good.
i get up from the floor. It looks good. After all, I’ll be facing this shelf all day so it’s of the utmost importance to keep it looking neat and tidy – right? (please agree).
the sun is now disappearing behind some clouds – finally – and I get my purple blanket. I swing it around me and I hear something fall… “Please let it not be the coffee…”. It is a big mug. I close my eyes, bite my bottom lip and exhale…. I turn around to face the reality – a possible splash of watery, cold sweet coffee all over important papers I was about to tackle.
phew – it wasn’t the mug. Just a tight closed bottle of the delicious liquid that prevents me from ever smoking again (watermelon anyone?).
all is good.
i plan ahead. I plan for the planning. I plan for the time for planning. And I do it. Task completed.
all is good.
procrastinasing right ahead! I smile at myself for no reason – I notice it. It creates a bigger smile. My face hurts but what do I care? I used to complain about the sunken eyes from tears that would leave me both dry and empty. Not that I cannot complain, I just won’t. I tried. Does not work.
document released – a fresh new look into a case involved in mystery and loads of questionable opinions floating around. “Sociopath” is a keyword for the influx of commenters and know-it-alls that hinder my empathy. 1960 pages. Is it too much? I open the file. I am suddenly interrupted by a direct ray of sunshine that I can follow through all the apartment, dying at the opposite wall to the window. I can see it’s ray because the air has some vapour floating around. I grab a paper clip – problem solved.
it is now time to delve into communications, truths left for some to discover on their own. Texts messages exchanged after a polygraph test (deception indicated). The condition of love – or should I say lust? There are few people I can share my close proximity with all the dark subjects with. They agree. It was lust and no – it was not premeditated. I thank them for not jumping on me. For not agreeing to say “evil” as an absolute truth. I thank them for seeing the spectrum.
all is good.
the good cop/bad cop routine worked perfectly. This should be a must-read for anyone interested in serving the public in investigating the bad deeds of non-evil-people. My eyes don’t process every character, they are helped by the capital words, the bold typography and the organised and clean document that explains a very dirty and messy deal.
i grab something to eat.
i forgot to mention – the TV is now off. All day. Where do I collect my award? Or the recognition of self-pride? It is off. I truly do not care about what is wrong. There are many wrongs – I focus on my rights.
the sun is setting and the energy starts rolling. I skip to page 1918 by accident and read some texts that made me postpone the next meal. I make sure to tell everyone I’m discussing the subject with about that page. Just for fun – share the misery!
my head starts to hurt.
i open the chill-out live session, light a few candles. One of them is purple, as is the blanket still around me. “that’s enough for today” – I press “close” on the document.
i think of you. I smile again. I get my timer on – 60 mins. Task – done.
i talk to you. I smile more. My muscles relax. It’s now nighttime. And the world outside ran the exact same way as if I never existed. It keeps spinning – I can hear the axis.
i immerse myself in work for a while. Everything is tidy and clean enough for me to do so.
i finished it.
all is good. Sleep tight