CONF_LICT

there must be a way to thrive on the lonely road of pushing myself to the brink of madness.

not a pathological madness (I want to believe), just the madness that doesn't get you anywhere in life (per the usual standards of "nice living")

i can't seem to speak the same language as most, I am a recluse of my feelings because I value them too much to go around and spread my word when it's coming from a new language that only few understand and accept.

creating is the best part. I can create everyday forever.

i play with words, I play with sound, I play with images... I need to. That is the only way I get the stuff out, bringing a body to an unconscious process of absorbing fragments of reality, processing them and regurgitating.

what I truly feel I am lacking is a voice. The most common mistake is that "someone wants to have a voice" to impose him or herself on others, to be the leader of something new, a pseudo-guro based on self worshipping.

i am far from any intentions of being vocal in my expression for any limelight.

i have learned so much in these past few months I know I can contribute in helping others, unleashing their fears and create meaningful conversations and connections. These past few months were filled with life changing decisions. They were also filled with insecurity, anxiety and the sense that I am still to find someone working on the same brainwaves I live on.

i have found amazing people and amazing ideas but the constraints of a society that deems creation as secondary and almost unnecessary for the individual's growth is getting me down... it is bringing me down.

i will never give up. I wouldn't say this with such confidence some time ago. But now I know. I know what brings me joy. Forget happiness, just find yourself moments of joy. These are the power-ups you really need throughout all the years you fight to survive and live.

happiness is no longer a goal, but joy in creating, joy in self-pride, joy in connections and joy in simplicity are everything I want to live for.

i have many battles to fight, I have many walls I need to tear down. I do. But I can say it's been the best year in a long time so far.

the doubts, anxiety and insecurity only show themselves when you dare to risk it all.

i am risking it all and I can only cross my fingers and hope for the best.

i am tired. I am very tired. It is not fun nor does it help waking up with your heart at 120bpm. It is not fun having to write down every single phonecall or text I need to send because I'll eventually forget. I am not used to this "slow living" thing.

mainly because I'm obliged to work on platforms that require constant feedback and availability... I found amazing new work with a great team and I already feel I am failing. Why? Because when my body and mind cannot figure things out and I need some time off this online shit I am undermining my own abilities as a writer.

freelancing is great and fun when you can can commit to a schedule, create rigid rules for your day and go through with them.

i can do that - just not now. I've found an amazing, friendly new boss who believes in me and likes "my passion" most of all. And I feel immense pressure not to let him or his team down with delivering weak writing and disconnected thoughts.

i don't want to lose good opportunites like these because of my lack of self control. I am ready to work, I am ready to fight but there are moments when the reality is that I will kill myself if I keep going at a rhythm I'm imposing on myself that is not second nature to me.

this is as honest as I can't get over here.

i've met wonderful people. I've engaged in so many projects. I want to do it full-time.
but there is also the need to survive, get food and whatever.

this is a very weird message for me to relay over here but I am very frustrated about my current situation - it all came crashing down when all of a sudden a thousand projects and deadlines dropped on me at the same time and my mind is warning me "... nope."

i hope I can get through this stronger and ... happier? Joy is part of me now and I really shouldn't ask for anything more.

but I am asking for my voice not to be lost. I treasure it, I value it (although it seems I don't most times).
i value and cherish everything I feel and want to say and I just lack the connections and proper channels in which I could get my message heard.
only then the cycle will begin and we can help each other out, creating at will and providing something you haven't really imagined you needed in the first place (in a good way, not the marketing shit).

i hope I can bring you a smile or any other emotion. That is it.

maybe I need to survive on oatmeal and water but I really wouldn't mind. My body would...

this is exactly the type of frustration that always happened upon my desires - the practical world, capitalism, social media, etc.. I don't engage in this, I don't want to be part of it as a slave.

i will probably delete this shit later I just woke up to a scary heartbeat, immersed myself in a cold shower and then got a shit ton of tasks and deadlines I wasn't expecting at all..

ajwaiojeiwajipoawheo awoieh aoiwehioawh uwuagwu raha
auwh auw eaw hawea
hw ºawºe haw ehaºw heaweh waº0r ha

GET WORK DONE