thank you x forever = death

“thank you”, “have a nice day”, “have a great weekend”, “thank you so much”, “thanks”, “hope you’re doing good”, “glad to see you well”… 

these are the things I mostly say throughout any given day to everyone around me. Sometimes my empathy comes to bite me back – I am the one saying “sorry” or “thank you” when I really shouldn’t/have to and I don’t even get a response….

the hardest lesson so far is saying all of this to myself.

i’ve hit a roadblock – a time stamped one. From a specific day back in April I’ve been getting 4 to 5 hours sleep, I’ve gone through numerous tasks and different jobs, I’ve quit things and started some.

it all seems cool and… “get used to it, it’s the real life” in a weird way but I won’t hide my fear when I noticed my mind going blank. Being in the middle of a nice conversation and just… forgetting what I’m talking about. Throwing food in the trash and heating up the empty container… I even had this weird blank that drove me insane – for a bit I did not remember or even conceived that my country has a president… Suddenly (can’t remember the context – probably overhearing news stuff) I remember thinking “oh, that’s right, we don’t have a president, just the prime-minister”… then after a few minutes “wait a second… I remember some names of former presidents… ?! …”. Yes –  I had to pick up the phone and google this shit out. It drove me insane…

my mind had just obliterated common sense and basic information…

i went on to organize my life in a different way, I created these grids on paper where I would write down everything – connections of people around me, tasks such as “send email to X”, “take out the trash”, “don’t forget to eat”, “reply to that text message”….  how ridiculous and the tiniest bit of insane…

for the last 2 days I got a full 7-hour sleep… wow. I had no idea how I was falling into the abyss…

and – bonus – it’s raining and cloudy…

all I want is… being calm.

C-A-L-M.

have you ever noticed how much joy overcomes you just for being… calm?

i took care of my past and my future. My past is organized and clean. My future is planned to the hour for the next three months… i’d say I’m ready to shake everything off – information, the non-ending search for knowledge (which will probably be my cause of death in the long-run…), the needless contacts, the endless pings…

how many years have we spent troubleshooting on a laptop for 5 minutes of pure, unadulterated fun?

how many years have we spent trying to connect to someone for a 5 minute conversation?

how many years have we spent thinking about all of this and never learning from it?

too many.

there are a couple of things I need, very very few that I want (I can picture them clearly in colour – grey, blue, red squares and a round shape that I’ve come to realize it represents me and my body).

it will always be extremely hard for me – a very delicate, sensitive and empathic person – to make a real effort to disconnect. And I know a couple other people who will read this and relate to it on a deep level… to those I say: I’m sorry. I’ll be off the grid for a bit. I am exhausted… I love you, I care, but I’ll come back stronger. Hell, I don’t even need to come back nor be stronger – I’ll just be whatever I end up being…

this platform, this alias, this whole project was in my head soon as I came to understand I had nearly died. It is now a reality and I’m very happy for it – this is my happy place, my internet away from all the other internet and the relentless search for information I don’t really need but I love learning. Fuck, I love learning but it has to stop…

it is a bonding experience, an open talk, a never ending process. Come join me – feel free to do so.

i have some projects on my horizon but I’m keeping them there for a while. The horizon isn’t going anywhere…

in fact, I won’t disappear… I will just be putting all my pieces together…

i’ve had a tremendously successful day. Not full of joy. Just… good. Really, really good.

i learned many great things from someone unexpected (thanks impulsive past self!)… I need to touch, I need to hear the direct result of my gestures… I thought it was an impossible task, after all “you can’t do anything without software” (great moto for keeping me depressed!). Well fuck it. Hardware it is. 

there are few (and I mean as rare as me writing only a sentence and not going for a full-on 1000 word text) good people left in the world and I feel lucky.

and thank you (you know who you are) for the talk. I now am committed to recovering and get it together… I mean, I’ve got it together I’m just having a hard time convincing myself that I’m not as strong as I think I am. If that means not working on what I love for a while, so be it.

 

“thank you.”

“sorry.”

nah just kidding. Fuck right off here and do something!

 

 

 

 

 

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