the mind as water

 

depression

is being the open sea. At night. Alone. No land in sight. Freezing water. The waves reach the height of the tallest buildings you have ever seen. And fighting it is just as hard as staying afloat in a massive sea storm. You are alone. There are no stars in the sky. There is no horizon – the water is as black as the sky, one big dark void. All you can see besides nothingness are sharks lurking around, going round and round, making you feel trapped and panicked. Imagine 20 of them, around your body – you see them, you feel them. They do not approach you but they won’t let you go. So you might as well stay afloat and fight to survive for a while. It just so happens that you have an open wound, from the time you fell down a ship and lost yourself in the sea.  Your ankle is bleeding a bit, not too much, a minor scratch but nagging nonetheless. You are not being attacked by the sharks but they circle around time and time again. Your whole body aches after days and days of wrestling with the waves. You try to float and make it easier to breathe but if you do let yourself go and try to relax just for once second (after so many sleepless nights) your body suddenly weights a ton and you know you’re going to drown. So you have to choice but to fight. You are fearful of the sharks, tired of the waves, lonely in the dark.

suicidal depression

the small wound in your ankle starts oozing a bit more blood and you notice the sharks are getting closer. You decide this is no longer a fair situation. You reach the wound and open it up, destroy your own skin and use your nails as knifes to create more blood, as much as possible. Why? Because it is still night, you are still alone and after fighting for so long you just want the sharks to end their taunting game and eat you up. You are fine with it – who wouldn’t, right? You kick the sharks and provoke them, then lay still and finally this weird peace overwhelms you – “I’m going to sleep. Finally, finally…”. Your torture is about to end and the blissful moment when you feel the first shark biting off a piece of you before you go unconscious is the greatest relief of your life…

mania

you are on a cruise ship and spot a beautiful, breathtaking island while sipping on your favorite wine. That island has a big, huge banner with your name on it. Then you see the most gorgeous beach and a little house… the sea is bright blue and clear, and the sand on the island shines like gold. You ask the captain to stop the ship and let you out on a safety boat. Because you are so happy, clear minded and thrilled, they give you that boat and wish you good luck. You say goodbye to your old life and step on a tiny, fragile raft and you think to yourself “This is a dream come true”. The ship is now out of sight but the island is… everything you could ever wish for. There is an amazing banquet of delicious food waiting, the sea is warm and inviting. And you happily decide to stay there, a new life. You want to relax on the crystal clear bright blue water but after looking around and seeing that all the commodities you ever needed are already there, you walk around to get to know this weird wonderful place that was magically reserved for you and your happiness. Forever. You run around like a child and feel truly blessed, you want to see every speck of sand, glistening in the sun. And you run around the island which seemed small but is getting bigger and bigger and bigger. You just wanted to relax but you find yourself searching for something. You need a bed – fuck there is everything except a bed! You completely forgot to make sure the island had everything you needed to comfort you. Damn, how are you going to sleep? Everything has to be just perfect, right? So while you intend on appreciating the beauty of the water, you start pilling up materials you gather. You spend days and days fine tuning the idea of making that bed and finally live your dream, days and days to create something that would resemble a bed but you can’t. You are never satisfied! The bed has to be *perfect*. You’re living the dream, you can’t settle for anything less! You need to sleep – but with so much excitement, so much joy and beauty around, how lucky you are to be awake and alive! How amazing! You spend weeks and weeks in the midst of all you ever wanted and needed, staring at that water thinking “I should really go there and float for a while, relax and enjoy”. And you want everything to be perfect. After weeks of not sleeping because you’re still trying to create the perfect bed for the perfect beach house at the perfect location with all the perfect goods you ever wanted you start to hallucinate. The water is not that inviting any longer and you have to design your bed… You don’t have any paper or ink so you’ve been drawing down on the sand all the ideas and designs to have a proper night’s sleep but the water, ever so clear, erases everything every half hour. And you’re tired but you think “I can’t give up now – the dream is right here!!” so you will end up for weeks and weeks on end writing on the sand every 30 mins… Nothing you create with the twigs and leaves you discover around satisfies you. Until your body collapses. You haven’t eaten anything from that banquet you had waiting for you. The food is all rotten. The house is a mess because you haven’t even had the time to pay attention to it. The banner with your name on it has ripped apart and doesn’t spell your name anymore. You spent way too much time trying to add to an already perfect scenario something you imagined you needed. You crash on the sand and you finally sleep. You realize how soft the sand is… You didn’t need a bed after all, you are perfectly fine without it but now everything is damaged and the ship has long been out of sight… The adventure of a lifetime is now a nightmare.

anxiety

the sea is perfect for a skinny dip. You are not alone at the beach, you are surrounded by everyone you love. You dive in the water and your heart skips a beat – it is a bit too cold… Nevertheless, it is inviting. Amazing afternoon, great company, perfect location. You smile and wave at everyone because they prefer to nap under the sun… Ok. You float around and you feel free. You’re feeling just fine – what a nice day. You open your arms and let yourself go. You fall asleep for a bit. Then you open your eyes after a few minutes and suddenly realize the tides have moved you far away. No one can hear you, they’re all still sleeping… You try to move your arms and swim to shore but your arms are numb. You don’t understand how or why but you are afraid. You sense danger but you can’t pinpoint what exactly is wrong. Is it that you feel tired and can’t make it to the beach on your own? Is it because you got water in your ears? Is it because you swallowed a bit of salty water and it is making you sick? Maybe it’s the fact that everything around is still the same except your fear of not returning back to safety? You know you can swim, you’re pretty good at it. So you decide to ignore the nausea, the sunburn you got from falling asleep, the dried mouth full of salt, the fact you need help but one can hear. You try to swim but your arms are numb, your legs are cramped… You are stuck. It’s a beautiful day, spent in good company in a quiet beach. The water is fine and you can’t even remember how the fuck did your body turn into mush in the first place. You see that one person waves from the shore and you let out a sigh of relief only to realize they’re saying goodbye. They just think you’re having a good time and they are telling you to meet in a bit at the restaurant. And you try to scream but all you get is a big smile back and a “see you in a bit”. You can’t feel your arms or your legs, you feel sick. You try to relax but the water is now very cold and your muscles start to ache from tensing up. You are stuck. You see clouds starting to cloud the sky and the night falling but by now the nausea has turned into vomit, the water has gone through your eyes and nose and you can barely see and you can’t stop gagging. You are now vertically placed, your arms and legs weighing you down… You want to fight it but you can’t. You are completely conscious and alert but your body has stopped responding. You’re frozen in what was supposed to be a nice day… You keep breathing but the panic is making you gasp for air and though there are loads of other people in the sand now, it seems no one is daring to go in the water today… You clearly see some people having fun and you can hear children laughing. You remember how the day started. You can’t feel your limbs. But you remember every swimming lesson… and that destroys you inside because you know exactly how to get out and get back to safety but you can’t feel your body. You try to shut off your brain and accept whatever fate might bring but you know damn well you shouldn’t have fallen asleep in the first place… it’s your fault, you’re going to die because you took that chance. You are an idiot, how the fuck did you fall asleep in the first place!? You want to live. You really do. You’ve never been as sure of that before. You’ll just have to wait until the water gets warmer and you can finally move the fuck out of there… and wait… and wait… oh and how everyone else will get mad at you for not showing up to dinner! They’ll be so mad… you feel so guilty. Yes, you feel like you’re about to die but how could you let them down?! There is no sadness or happiness. Frustration, you let yourself down, you were the one falling asleep, you were the only one who went for a dive…

obsession

you are terminally ill. You have 24 hours left until your heart will eventually stop – forever, for good. You have never been to the beach, you have lived all your life in a mountain. You had plans of traveling to a nearby spot close to the sea but never had the chance… You decide the last day is your last chance to experience all you ever dreamed of seeing and feeling. How does it feel like to walk on sand? How does it feel like to swim in the waves? You head there – fast. You run. You have all you need – bathing suit, a snack, a beach towel. You run as fast as you ever ran. Everything is in order, all your affairs completed. One task, one dream, one chance. You step on the sand and it feels wonderful. How soothing, how magical! This is going to be one hell of a goodbye – you deserve it! You spread the towel neatly near the shore line. You want to soak up the sun for a little while and then go for the water. But there is a small cloud, dense enough to block out all the light, following you around… and the sand, as soothing as it feels, is floating around with massive gusts of warm wind. You lay down and your body is attacked by the friction of salty grains. “No, not today! Today is my last chance!!”. You pick the towel up, move two steps to the left. Not two minutes have gone by and you notice the small cloud is approaching you… suddenly the skin shivers. “For fuck’s sake, I don’t have the time for this!!”. You pick the towel again and move around for 10 minutes. You find a spot. Finally you can rest. As luck would have it, the wind moves the cloud over you again. It’s actually freezing if you don’t move again… And it’s your last day on earth, the first time on the beach!! You are not ready to give up – you won’t! You stare at the cloud and run again. You’re now near a breakwater, closer to the water. The cloud is not as fast as you are but suddenly the water rises and one bad timed wave swoops your body up and wets you all over. “No, not today”.  You decide to quit running around “Five hours have gone by…”. And as the time keeps ticking you feel the pressure of having the best last day on earth possible. Your towel is wet, there is sand all over it, it’s starting to feel uncomfortable. Your bathing suit is dripping and you haven’t even went for a swim! “Fuck, fuck fuck”. You spend a couple of hours drying out the towel – “I’m gonna get my 5 minutes of peace no matter what”. You shake off the wet sand and stay up with your arms in the air holding the towel up waiting for it to dry. Tic tac tic tac… The fucking cloud seems to be flowing to wherever you are! It takes way too long without the sun but after a couple hours (and a snack in between) and you finally have it dry. You lay down and try to forget about the fact that you’re not getting any sun… You’re now angry. You are desperate. How can this be!? How can a dream and a last chance combined be ruined? “That’s it – I don’t care anymore. I might not have the perfect ending but will not give up without a fight”. You are so desperate to get those 5 minutes of sun that you don’t mind running around, placing your towel here and there for hours. You actually end up spending your whole entire fucking last day on earth laying down and getting up, running and laying down again… and you do it because no one and no one will stand in the way of living your last minutes the way you want them to be lived… You spend your final day running around with a piece of cloth in your hands just so you have one minute of sun before you feel cold again… and when you thought you still had about 5 hours left to live, you’ve been running around, getting up and down, picking up the towel and getting so stressed your heart is starting to fail a bit sooner than predicted… You cry as you place the towel one last time. You are angry, you are sad, probably even mad at yourself for having such high expectations but it was your life long dream… You yell out “Good-fucking-bye!” and your last breathe was one of despair, anguish and sadness. And as soon as your heart stops pounding, the cloud disappears.

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