what gives me the right to write when I feel fulfilled? “I should just rant away, vent everything dangerous to keep inside”
no. Heartless and cruel are no longer keywords. To be honest, they never were – I convinced myself of that.
these are games we play with ourselves – more than we’ll ever play with anyone else outside our own minds. 90% of all games are internal. The other 10% hugely affect all relationships and help the 90% go up to levels no one should even be alive to witness happening…
no more games. It’s been fun. But I’m tired. I truly am.
not the “tired” as some months ago. I have my reasons, excuses (valid ones!) and I value myself way too much to not pay attention to my body and mind and what they’re whispering to me…
it’s still tempting to fall in the idea of “invincible”. It’s still hard not to believe in being “bulletproof”.
but I am waving the white flag – proudly. Not at anyone else but myself.
and so much pride is oozing out of my bloodied hands waving the thing around…
i was never invincible. I was never bulletproof. Quite the contrary, I was and am still fragile.
yes, I am strong. No, I’m not above human. Strength has nothing to do with the illusion of convincing myself that I can put my body through every experience without something (bad) happening.
i saw a funny image a couple days ago somewhere… it was about anxiety and dealing with it. Wait, I’m sure I can grab it… Here it is!
yes – I will proudly say “Generic excuse”. Why not? Why over explaining any reasons I don’t want to go somewhere or be with someone? Why put myself through the process of being somewhere or being with someone “just because it’s the nice thing to do” if I don’t feel like it?
just say – “generic excuse”. More than enough. “Not now – talk later”. That’s it. No guilt, no shame.
it’ll weed out the ones I don’t really need so it’s a win-win in my eyes.
“generic excuse” is my motto.
I’m tired, my heart is weak, I am fragile. Not “I’m feeling weak/fragile”. I am. And I accept that – so much so that I’m proud of knowing it. I’m proud I know about my weaknesses and k-holes. I can now focus on a clear path and fight to keep myself in it.
because I’ve found my path. My home. My peace, my comfort.
and I won’t let anyone take that away from me – not now, not ever. Fight me to death if you want. I’ll die happy.
I am home. I can understand what “home” is now. It’s you.
thank you. You’re beautiful inside and out, kind and generous, funny, smart and the best partner I could ever imagined having. I am one of the few lucky ones.
I hope you can feel as lucky as I do. We deserve it.
love you x