"I'm back"
I've been "back" a million times. Never failing to punish myself (with Guilt and Shame, close friends that I try to distance myself from without success) for being back again... and again... and again... and again... and again...
but this time is different. As I hoped it would be.
there's a certain normality or even stability in creating rhythms - being gone and getting back are as certain as the routines of brushing teeth and having a banana for breakfast.
so... yes, I *am* back. Guild and Shame are looking at me angrily - they know I know how they play. They're giving me the silence treatment and I understand why. Even the most permanent fixtures in your life are bound to break apart from you - for how long is undetermined.
as I looked around and sensed peace I wondered "why do I have a problem with the natural way my life floats? isn't the sea constant in its waves? am I not a part of the same ecosystem? why do Guilt and Shame pressure me to stay away and make me feel like being back is such a bad thing? worst of all - why am I still so closely connected to them?"
I heard screaming outside. I grunted. They interrupted my inner monologue - don't they know I am screaming as well? In silence but still!
I know for sure I will never stop being gone and getting back. Not because my intelligence shined a light on me and I suddenly felt enlightened - no big mystery to be solved. I know for sure because I've ridden this wave a thousand times before. It's my routine, my normal, my fluctuations are my steadiness, I am an avid surfer on my own microsystem.
besides, I now feel that I am able to do so - again, not thanks to intelligence or wits but thanks to the kindness that I am surrounded by. The type of kindness that is rare and easily dismissed, like the tanzanite that is ditched in favour of the diamond... I fucking hate diamonds and everything they represent. Have you ever heard of a better marketing move? I'd be more than interested in learning about all of the schemes that survive on myths and fantasies created by humans for other humans... please tell me more.
anyhoo, I am not here to shout how I managed to block Guild and Shame for a while (they haven't realised I muted them for a bit yet) because I know they'll come back stronger and angrier... that'll be fun! I'm also not here to pretend I have it all figured out. Quite the opposite - I am here to declare I don't have it figured out and that I never will.
there is an idiosyncratic peace of mind reserved to chaos; when you embrace it and the nausea and dizziness of the waves persist throughout your life you... kind of get used to it!
think of yourself as a sailor - one that feels more at home when they are moving against the strong currents than when they finally step out of the boat.
I am free, despite having to call and mesh with such friends as Shame or Guilt. They come and go. Sometimes I am the one inviting them for tea and I always regret it... still, there's the persistence of hope in believing they'll turn around for the better - I hope one day they'll find their peace. They don't do it out of maliciousness, they are unaware of themselves. I know several other folks who are oblivious to their less-than-acceptable ways of behaving - let them be, maintain contact but don't extend your whole arm to them. A hand from time to time, no more than that.
the screams outside have stopped. I wonder if they sorted it out or if the shouting is still underway inside those people...
the mustard-beige wall I was staring at before I pulled the keyboard my way is still here... I am still here. The distant sound of cars going by are still there. The world is the same. Like the ocean, the waves come and go and their rhythm is needed to create a sense of steadiness.
hoping that the nausea subsides and that I am tailored for this job - a sailor knows when the sea is about to get rough. I hope I have all the skills to continue navigating, one wave after the other. Deep down I sense I'm fit for the challenge I'm just afraid that it'll take a long while for me to sharpen my knowledge - of my very own microsystem.
