kick in the teeth

fact of the day – more often than not, I wake up with a song playing in my head. Sometimes they’re just awful brief chorus’ from songs I hate, other times they reflect what I dreamed of.

the synthy melody of ‘a kick in the teeth’ by Fischerspooner was ringing when I opened my eyes.

after a minute or two, the nightmares I had came back to my awareness. How or why do I hurt myself this way?

about home. The concept of home. Belonging. Being lost unintentionally (losing yourself purposefully is good). Also about being lied to, not knowing how to react to disappointment that removes the ground you’re on and makes your stomach drop.
perfectly in sync with a song about being kicked in the teeth, I guess.

(it just started raining a lot – how poetic)

you can feel at home, where you belong, wherever/whatever that home is. You are calm, quiet and relaxed. Life is good.
a single lie can destroy all of it.

for all the years my consciousness has been around, I still don’t understand lies, deceit, lack of transparency/honesty. Just one thing that stops me from feeling “adult” (although there is no such thing – but it seems to help most people! Part of the game, no?).

it is so easy NOT to lie! Not talking about lies like “that looks good on you”: which, by the way I would still prefer not to say in favour of something like “it looks good but I would change X or Y if it was me”; but most of the time I follow in with the normal “noooo, it’s amazing” because apparently people are not asking for an opinion, they just want approval. Social skills, right?
i’m talking about lies that might change someone’s world – according to their sensitivity, fears and anxieties.

Mind-boggling that any society exists on the concept of dishonesty. As a whole and individually. Maybe that’s why I am fascinated by it as an outside viewer? Maybe I am just weak. Both can be true at the same time.

there must be a universal truth (if such a thing is real) I am unaware of. One that will explain my loneliness – something in my head is always beeping with a warning “careful… be careful, be careful”. I am never aware of it – I pour my heart out, I let myself be seen. Isn’t that what we’re supposed to do? Apparently not – with a real life fake smile as I type it out.

dishonesty and lying are great tools for anyone who wants to pretend the existential dread of life does not affect them, it seems.

i have had my more-than-fair share of kicks in the teeth. What have I learned, you ask?

cynicism. I am still transparent. Blocked out my brain’s beep – I don’t want to waste energy being defensive. Cynicism is an obvious defence tool, but I am not happy with it. I’m yet to control the tears and emotions that fluctuate throughout the day like waves crashing in the sand. And, of course, I am far from being good at protecting myself… I’m terrible at it – but I can pretend it’s a skill I’ve conquered. Which is a lie in itself… See? Food for thought on this one!

should I be able to disguise my honesty? Stop it? Would it help? I think not… I would feel it as a lie…

tonight’s dreams tore me down. I had to leave and go back home, but I didn’t have one. I was lied to and even though I expected it, it still was a kick in the teeth.

perhaps, I am the one being dishonest. Perhaps my own pain spreads blame around instead of facing the fact that I am not that strong.

but isn’t it the whole point? Not being so strong that you will neglect pain and therefore also cause it and contribute to dishonesty?

anyhoo,

had to run upstairs to close the windows – the sky is agreeing with me today. It’s weeping.

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