après un jeu d’attente de flirt infini.
a day when the world does not crash on me…
one that even has new horizons to look at! wonderful, cosy, safe scenarios.
outside the sun is bright. my skin is warm. my face shows a smile. a lazy smile – when the world crashes on you it takes a long time to see the light again. and then you will want to just… be. exist. play.
music, light, colour, ink, touch, words. All of them at the same time if possible – it allows a deeper connection with what you create. layers and layers of distinct pleasures to create the perfect state of being…
wonderful. simply wonderful. wonderfully simple.
after the rain came down on me with knowledge, I never wanted to know or have reason to gather… I am here. surprisingly peaceful. I have fantastic human beings in my life – few but worth more than the ones who created the rain to pour on me.
i don’t like crowds and I might be silent but I will always write. as if nobody is watching, as if I am a new person every single day – which is true.
now I just have to hit delete on certain players of the game and add players that didn’t have space in this group before.
out with the broken, in with the lovely, kind and preferably not loud… everything sounds so much better if said in a whisper…
I’m still worried, don’t get me wrong. but there’s something about having bad people all your life near you… it gives you super human strength to survive. to be happy. if you are aware enough of their wrongdoings and their manipulations and games and have the knowledge and organisation skills to figure them out (thank you psychology course, thank you to the few few ones who know me better than I know myself) you will feel immense pride in the end.
after I died I became even more afraid of dying. there is an infinity of nothingness that I want to avoid for as long as possible. it was not unpleasant but it was infinite nothingness. I don’t want it – put my brain in a circuit. don’t even need a body – I can hear music, read books, watch movies. that’s more than enough.
having the “rush” to live more than before and weighing my options… I looked back over my shoulder and felt utter disgust. the things I put up with for so long to help others that took away my health were not up to my standard. nope. I had to be radical. adieu!
why did I try to hit the same key hoping for a unique unfamiliar sound every time??
it’s the definition of insanity. everyone deserves a chance… more, yes! but it took the world falling on me… and knowing my life could turn into a proper living hell… destroying who I am and hurting STSBH (She That Should Be Here). there is me and there is her and in between there is love and I will fight for both while staying sane and happy, maybe even with a hint of sadism and sarcasm… a crooked smile. I wish STSBH could see me now. “she would be so proud…” people have always told me. and it took me years to accept that. she would celebrate it, she would hug me and laugh, those laughs I will never forget – so deep they became absolute silence if it wasn’t for her moving the shoulders… Ahhhh I miss you.
I’ve completed work for today. I organised papers, printed a couple more. I wrote with the focus possible (nervousness and the fact I can’t sit still for more than a minute).
and now… I will just wait.
everything else can wait. I know I am protected, I know who is kind and good. I always knew… such a good energy to share in a day when the sun kisses the moon and they finally meet in my head.
I always hated the sun… I now smile at it, say something nice. I didn’t know that the moon kissing the sun could bring so much peace. their love is mine.
*kicking my legs up, getting some fresh drinks, make some plans to go out later and messing with a pencil and paper while listening to music*
what could I ever ask for…
Love. Is. All.