*e(a)ffects

all the cliché words that sound like silence will one day make a difference.

a predisposition for chaos & desire and order & silence is close to impossible. Where all dichotomies go to die and revived, to the horror of all conscious efforts to maintain a certain (if fake) stability…
a single wavelength crashes over your head – you’re now spinning, jumping and bouncing on the real-self, the opportunity hadn’t presented itself yet, and it really didn’t matter as much as it does now, right?

… but it had mattered before… I’m thinking while writing, don’t know another way. I never know what will pop in here (point to head).

it had. I shut it off, or it vanished in its irrelevance or natural expiry. “All or nothing kinds of thoughts, this is no good…” I kept learning.

obviously, one distances themselves from those lines of thought – they seem depraved, senseless, inhumane and disconnected. I can agree to that. I would’ve agreed at any point.

but / yet …..

it just brings it down to a manageable level and never truly erases it. As it lowers and you think you’re in control… when you truly (debatable term) don’t care anymore… bang!

lift-off sequence commences with no signal or sound, no words or effects.

awareness comes only with the affect, not the effect. That is when everything falls down on you, covering from top to bottom, from the inner to the outer, around your ears covering the sound, over the eyes covering the light, with a clear echo of truths you denied yourself for too long.
… when it does, you’re powerless… the surrender comes surreptitiously until you consciously notice its affect and then? It’s always “too late” – you try to convince yourself of it.

except you know, in your heart of hearts, it’s really not… at all! And you finally see the path opening up and you’re scared, you’re confused and you want to run but there’s no stepping back and your legs move you forward, with a slight help from the wind pushing you, and the sun you try to follow as to never have to finish any day again!

will I still believe in my untruths? My [failed, forced] becomings? Ever?!

all the surrounding waves are a timeline and dissolve & uncover the truth you didn’t know existed, always in a nearer future, always as a surprise, always at the realm of… chaos!!

… if it finishes where it starts, therefore it’s not a one way path, it’s a cycle…

i sigh – I can tidy up this thought for now, with all the unwanted commotion it brings.

/// I come from chaos, I diffuse it, I surrender to it again… /// I should know better – you can’t fight the only true laws, the ones in existence since the universe as we know it… started…

it’s curiosity, tender care, surprise and a deep interest in knowing. Knowing more, knowing better – and then, to throw all of it away

it really doesn’t matter when you just… feel.

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