factor

i heard they need me. I heard my voice whispering “no…” to myself.

there is nothing wrong with it… right? Right? Tell me it’s all good. Explain the rage, the outbursts, the indecisions and the decisions that never were.

i close my eyes and in my mind I see the infinity of space. How can infinity fit in me? It scares me, yet it calls my name. Dreaming throughout both day and night, with a controlled effort to focus all day.

do I want to go? Yes. Am I afraid? Yes. Would I displace my comfort? No. Will I avoid it? Not sure.
after all, for as much as we all complain about the perception of time and its acceleration with age… it is precisely that factor that forces me to go.

it goes fast and, contrary to my mind, it is (too) finite. Recoiling and holding back would serve the insecurity, feed it, caress it as it screams back.

there’s nothing else to do but what I don’t want.

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