how much time

has it gone by without an unintended memory?

how much time has passed you by without a forceful remember?

having so much to offer and everything to get… I was always a step behind. Never for real, always for sure, I was a step behind.

give me a phrase and I shall kill my memory over every connection, everything ever said by anyone, any images left behind or still to come, all the movies and adventures beginning with just – one – word.

“trigger” is so overrated… It’s just the spark. You know, the kind of spark of a cheap lighter, the spark of metal on metal, skin on skin, words on words.

i will die so fucking proud. Each of these battles have become a war – I didn’t know I was a good fighter. It has nothing to do with power – power is meaningful, it is absolutely false. It has to do with a concept very few would comprehend. Going through the motions and keeping the nose above water. Just a single nostril, perhaps. The bare minimum to not die – forever.

very clear how I can now see how water has done what should be my job – to design, to explain, to create meaning in the shape of information.

the most beautiful and childish-grin inducing experiences is to let yourself be hit over the fall of a big wave of water… many people would prefer to dive and avoid, I am lost in the sense of that. Letting the water wash you away is the (only) literal experience of losing one self in no thoughts at all. What the great gurus go on about for centuries lifetimes of  teachings – how not to get lost in dire thoughts and memories.

i have managed to achieve blissful moments of nothingness through *some* teachings – hitting the  “off” switch but the presence of the body is a nagging, unforgettable and constant realisation… The pure absolution in nothing is the grand prize of life. I still wind myself up in amazement of how much energy and chemistry goes on in me and you, how each and every single layer of skin is *the* final frontier, harder to cross than the possibility of a multiverse. It’s easier for me to believe in a multiverse – which would  explain away the Grandpa Paradox “btw” and render time travel completely logical… yes, I am happiest when I render all my knowledge useless – than the human race ever crossing the physical boundary. Yet, all we are is chemistry, reactions, renovations, sparks, fucking electricity.

just a bunch of electricity… if joined together would create a *human* network (or a single entity perhaps) of feelings… but we have skin. We are so deeply, innately lonesome in our shape, joins, muscle and blood…

the other side of the world seems right around the corner, your skin is a million miles away…

and off to water I go. For the shedding of physically and thoughts – simultaneously.

there are similar experiences, sure – and I live for those. Both the hysterical joy which ignites me to the energy of a 5 year old who drank coffee for the first time and the sadness that can seductively caress me into the fog of a grey distorted reality.

recently – oh, the only regret is time, is it too late? Tell me it isn’t so – I got a glimpse of a full existence where the body doesn’t consciously feel as a barrier (albeit constant) and the mind operates at the same wavelength as the impulses running through every inch of my own surface…

i will *always* need to submerge, I will *always* escape one way or the other. I seek solace and refuge in the loneliness that is but bliss or peace.

i don’t intend a particular enlightenment, it… just… makes sense – the same sense a perfect kiss carries. Natural, exciting and soothing, spectacular yet short and sweet. My days don’t carry the responsibility of making sense, of being reasonable. they will never achieve that mathematical, formulaic structure  – feeling sane in a world saturared with overrated “triggers”, billionaire gurus and possible alternate universes… there’s not a chance (personally). Nothing I say or realise will ever mean I have eliminated sadness, anger, grief or tears. Don’t get my waves distorted.

i’ve went for happiness, I’ve went for joy, I went for annihilation, I went for depraved senseless despair – I welcomed it. Still do when I need it. (again, don’t get me wrong – I am deeply offended by the words of people with greater influence… James Rhodes for instance, a brilliant mind who believes there is no limit to the human suffering and joy and as such, it is *never* out of boundaries nor do we should address the issues… nope).

now that I can’t see my path nor have a particular direction… I am at peace. It was not ever intentional rather an unexpected violation of my vision and expectations. And letting the water run losing oneself in the motions is… peaceful. I’d say ‘peaceful as fuck!’ but that would sound strange right? Then again, strange cannot be played in the game of right and wrong…

waves are about to hit and I welcome them for once

3 deep breathes and here I go…

 

 

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