granted...

... that I was once, indeed, very happy.

for what now seems a short while, I had the chance to feel truly happy, honest, carefree and relaxed.

once every couple of weeks all the masks flew off of me - the posture, the bullshitting, the one-step-back stance.

it was great. It truly was!

the problem with being very happy for a short while every couple of weeks is that, after it all ends, I don't feel very happy at all - just... regular happy.

forget the honesty, feelings of relaxation and inner peace. Those were once to be felt but not forgotten.

now everything sums up as a storm surrounding me - the constant menace of the black hole.

i realised I have to feel this weird nostalgia of those weeks forever. Feeling ok for the most part, but with copious amounts of grief, sadness, anger and misunderstanding.

every day.

because those hours that I got every couple of weeks are a faint memory of what it was to be at peace, in a quasi-sublime existence.

forever grabbing that "one in a million" feeling and running with it - nothing else matters really.