jump

it's not so much the process of falling as it is the gymnastics of maintaining the fall as a joyful steady ride.jumping left or right, up and down - make it count, even if you only lift yourself up an inch into the air.i've managed to somehow survive all my jumps without really knowing if that was the so-called life... I kind of knew, deep down, it was an attempt at life (never annihilation).  It  worked and it's perfectly fine to fool yourself for a while (or a lifetime... as long as you accept it as your own reality) but when you jump together... you do realise there is just so much more to the fall than the mere act of going for it.i look back at my timeline with a mix of nostalgia, anger and ... pride. I always jumped but it was never enough apparently. Just a nice little lift-off as a kick to feel alive with short lived bursts of joy to lessen the gravity that weighs on my shoulders everyday - a good shot of impulsiveness that stays energised for a couple weeks...it's only when I type these words that I notice how it has worked as an addiction of sorts, a fix I held on to (unconsciously) in order to step forward.step, step, step, jump, step, step, step, step, step - Oh I forgot! - jump, step, lay down, step, step, jump (a little higher), step, step, step, skip (too tired to jump), ...all is patterns - not unlike the chaos that creates perfect fractals...  an unfinished connect-the-dots game that goes on forever and even if I were to finish it it would look a mess of lines and curves that amounted to nothing more than the blob of my life, my private rorschach test.now that I think about it (even further as per usual), the very feeling of a lonely blob, a mess of lines and points, a chaotic pattern of things I don't remember isn't that appealing anymore as seemingly safe and beautiful as it might look. Life happens when you jump at the same time - the only way you'll be sure you won't feel fear or shame. There is this image forming shape in my mind of falling with my eyes closed, enjoying the light headed dizziness as comfort... in contrast to the mindless (futile, perhaps?) addiction that is nothing more than an illusion. The fall is now a goal or something to celebrate, not just an attempt at (albeit successful).fool yourself while you fall alone, I know how it feels and I am quite aware of how important it is to do it... it's your truth, it's been mine and it'll probably always be the escape (much like water). Fooling yourself serves its own vital truth - unique and invisible to others.yet I'd now say... the next time you're about to jump, between a step or two, take a look around. You might just find something or someone that will be more than happy to join in. Then you'll feel truth as a bond... conceived to be shared and deconstructed.don't think about it too much though, keep jumping - one day there will be beautiful views and not just the k-hole of uncertainty (which has its appeal for sure). One day the jump will serve its most humane, dignifying purpose and you'll understand what the fall was always about.