"Hey Moon...
...it's just you and me tonight"
my fingers dance on the keyboard, confused about what is about to happen. It just happens. I don't ask for it - far from it.
just formed a theory. I've become terrified of dreaming. That is the only thing that makes sense right now. At nearly 5AM I give up on trying to sleep. For the 3rd time in a week. The peace of the nights when I actually slept were declared invalid for all the horrid dreams in their near-reality form.
my dreams are never farfetched or fantastical. They are a composite of possible realities, alternate ones if you will - more horrendous by nature than any nightmare. I still call them dreams, there is no violence, no running away from something or someone. Just an uncanny valley that leaves me shaken for a couple hours after I wake up.
yesterday, when I slept for what is considered a normal amount of time, I dreamed of you asking me about your condition. I tried to explain to the best of my knowledge. There was your normal you/body, talking to me and taking notes over a wooden table and there was your now-you/body in the background at the same time. And I knew those two bodies were the same person yet it seemed perfectly reasonable that I would be talking to your normal self and having you in a bed at the same time. I explained everything - what needed to be done, what really had happened. You were interested in learning, even more interested in getting answers - some kind of justice or closure I guess.
I would say that the nights that result in sleep are nice... I do sleep, soundly and it would feel wonderful if it wasn't for the feeling that I'm haunted by your normal-you presence, only to slapped by reality when I open my eyes and look around. It takes some time, you know? It's as if I have 2 full days of different realities when I do sleep. The nights belong to you, your normal-you for the most part, and the day belongs to the effort of getting over what I remember vividly about those dreams. Only later, by the evening, do I feel my body relaxing enough to make my mind feel "grounded" again. And there's a short window of time there, before I end up going to sleep again and talking to you... and I am sorry but I hate it. I hate it with all my being. Not you, not the normal-you, not the now-body-you - the dreams, the dreams!
my eyelids are very heavy. It's easy to close my eyes and almost fall asleep, but I can't. All the usual spots of pain are pulsing. I am already dreading the sunrise, I am completely overwhelmed, tired, fatigued, exhausted. I almost have no words - only my fingers that are so accustomed to this keyboard that I can type with my eyes closed. There are no words, only the quasi-hallucination that I'm forming a block of text with black shapes on a white background. I don't know what any of this means.
please help me... I promise I will learn how to be a better person in return... just let me sleep... let me not drown tonight, lift me up and help me just today, just tonight, just for one single day
giving up. I'm going to create something. Other than this. I hope this is not a dream... I couldn't bear to see the normal-you. Not tonight. Give me a chance to recover... but I love you. And I hope you know that - in case you know anything. If not, let it be said anyway. I forgot to say it when it was most important - I am sorry. To the normal-you, to the now-body-you. I am.
I hope you have a beautiful, restful sleep, one that makes your heart beat strong, one that maintains whatever colours and shapes and things you can "see" flying around in your mind. I don't wish that you can see though... quite the opposite.
fuck. I can't anymore
