appreciate existing
easier said than done for sure but I really need to feel some degree of joy every day of not having a migraine. Of being able to breathe without issues. Of sleeping without waking up either burning up and sweating or freezing to death for no apparent reason - worse yet, when you go all night through these cycles of kicking away all the covers and getting naked only to being awaken again when the trend changes and you swiftly and semi consciously put everything back.
my dreams are way too realistic and connected to reality - in this one I was looking for a freezer with ice to put my head in because my hair was on fire from a candle (which is not farfetched given my accident prone disposition); it was not surprising to wake up to a burning body and head and run for a cold shower.
it’s as if life is never on a break… sleep is just a parallel reality, not a deserved break. Minus the good dreams, which are insanely good given their propensity for a real life feeling but the disappointment comes fast when the normal life begins (vs dream life).
i always thought sleep was a waste of time (because I was not good at it since being 3 years old). I feared bedtime, not because of some monster under the bed but because I knew I would just be knackered but never enough to fall asleep in less than a couple hours at least. Crying in despair. I also remember the moment when, as a child, I was flicking through a “human body facts” book and saw this diagram explaining that you sleep for about 1/3 of your life. It specifically mentioned that a 75 year old would have slept 25 years. My mind went into short circuit - I already hated sleep and now I found out it takes so much from your life?! What an awful, inhumane biological need. I despised sleeping. Besides flying cars and living in the sky (The Jetsons were my world), my main wish was to have a magic pill to never have to sleep. Little did I know I would have to take a magic pill to do the opposite. I was prematurely clairvoyant about my future in strange ways.
idle thoughts of an idle mind. Appreciating silence and the comfort of where I sit at the moment. Appreciating that my body is not too warm, not too cold. Appreciating the fact I can write all of this in a few minutes instead of writing it down like I used to. I love writing and pen and paper but my thoughts are too fast for whatever style of handwriting. I love not to edit, not to stop and blindly put it out.
technology is intrinsically seductive for its capacity to make us overcome needs that could not be met otherwise.
it’s been wonderfully real over here. Strange as well which I don’t categorise as good or bad.
for now I appreciate it. I might even take out the notebook and jot something down between sips of warm (never hot) tea.
